Skinny Pop

Cocaine moonlight bliss.
A twist.
Suck it down. The sight of redwine glads.
Oh daddy, I love it when you're bad.
Stoned out dreams.
Dandy weeds/
Tell me you love my pothead personality.
Reggie rebellious.
Psychedelic.
Play it hard until I just can't take it.
You feign innocence.
In a taste? In a sense?
Vibe's past tense.
Babe's smile is real rare, ancient coy.
Biv G. Roy.
Cashmere deals.
Life of the real.
More than just the appeal.
Bitching bees.
I'm such a tease!
I'm on the list because life is for the young and I dance to it like it's a party.
Velvet hills roll on.
Love has been long gone.
You're stupid if you're looking for love.
Oh, I'm troubled, I'm wrong.
Shooting star sought by a wanderer.
Skinny Popular.

Belladonna

She was spring.
Gentle and Flawless, derived from the sunlight.
Easy on the eyes, Sprouting her arms up to the glass sky.
Free.
The way her feet kiss the Earth life it's true love then depart from it.
She always dances, perceived to be in the summertime of her life.
No one sees.
No one should ever have to but me.
When she's stressing and she's got those damn feelings of her hurt.
She feels she's ugly, Dear God, and she sits and it's inly her and the cocaine moon.
She doesn't know that she's the golden gladness to our afternoons.

Fantasy

I began

I began to loose myself


In a fantasy

You, me

A burning in my belly


You
      Snuck
In

Not too late

At night

You kissed my lips

My tongue

Home

where it belongs

You taste like

Home

You've tasted like it all along


I

Find

Myself


When I'm with you

I risk everything

Feeling's so true


I

uh

Lost myself


In a fantasy

A dream

You lay me down

Put me down

When I'm looking into you

Deep within those pools

I
  Can't
Describe how much

To you

Tell

You how much

I do

I really do

Love you


I lost


I lost myself in a fantasy

Where you were here

Lyin' in bed

.. With Me..

.. The Heat..

..The breeze..

..Summer In..



6

weeks..


Where'd it go?

The time.

Ofcourse as everyone says

It flew away

Out that same window

You came in

But time..

Will never fulfill my needs

Time will simply never..

Be enough

For me.

Especially when..



I'm lyin' here

Not close enough to you

Nor sleep

Lyin' here

Lost in my fantasy

I'm wreckless


Can get wild

Hard to control

But overlook that.

It all start with a single crave.

April 18th. If I tried,

I'd never,

In a trillion years,

Ever,

Let myself have the chance

To forget this day

This night

Feeling's so right

Only thing missing

Besides the blue

That belongs to me

Belongs to you

And is you

You're it

Here right now

These sheets

They're wet

With ocen sprays

Oceans that take my away

All whilst

I'm here

Lost floating on my mattress

Warm waters

Your blues

They're deeper than this sea

This need

To be with you

Mind consuming


In my room and

I'm all alone

I can't stand it

Thoughts they roam

All over my body

And also this

Place, Fantasies

Don't you hear that

Where ever you are

You're in the wrong place

I thought for sure

You belonged in these barriers

Outside of my mind

In my room,

Filling up body space

Don't you hear that

That wind

It blows for you

And everything

You've ever

In my world

Allowed or

Let in

It blows for you

And all you do

I losy my mind here

In fantasies

Because I know you'll never actually want to be here

With me

I forgot to add that part

To my dream

And with that though

I don't know what to believe

Only what I should

The waves,

They crash against the shore

And I know that I don't belong here

Or anywhere

Anymore

Bringing my mattress back,

Forcing it in through

My room door

So I take a step

Falling out of my head

Tripping into reality once again

Here I am

And reality is not what I'd ever wanted

"Everything you were never told" pages 21-24 (short story)

I throw my hands up in distress screaming at nothing but I can't old it in. I lave my fingers over my mouth. Hop materializes.
   "Well, hello to you, too." Her uterus is a little swollen but not much. She doesn't look pregnant but she is. I know so because she wraps her arms over her belly as if to protect the fetus.
   "How far along?" Tears stream down my face. Maybe because in a way, I wish she was pregnant with my kid, I wouldn't want to be a parent at so young but... I don't know, it's all confusing... I just know I'd be a better father than that douche. Such a sorry excuse for a dad.
   "Four months." she barely says.
   "How?" Spare me the details.
   "I was drunk, Will." She tries to keep an even tone, defending herself.
   "Ah, you were drunk," I get up and walk towards her. "That's a good excuse, right? 'I was wasted.' Listen to yourself!" My face is on fire.
   "You hypocrite!" she slaps me. "You're drunk right now!"
    I recoil. "Oh please Hope, Hop, Alicia, whatever the fuck your name is! I'm not drunk! How do you think I drove here!?"
    "I can smell the liquor on your breath." She whispers angerily at me like I'm the one in the wrong here.
    "Well, then," I back away slowly. "Have fun raising this baby on your own!" I exclaim and I turn and leave. Just like that.

                                                                 ---

   For weeks, I've followed a similar schedule. I wake up, go to my classes, come home, polosh off a bottle of vodka, excercise, and then I just sit. Sit at my desk and look out the window and think until around one-thirty, two o'clock. Then I go to bed. And even then, I don;t really sleep. When I do, in my slumbers I have nightmares and then I wake up and pour myself amglass of water and sit at my desk again.
   My roommate, Benny, used to ask me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends but after awhile, he just gave up. Just as I'm going into my room to sit, Benny stops me.
   "Hey, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?"
   "No." I answer dryly.
   "Kay. Fine. Bye then." he says in an awkward sarcastic tone.
   Fifteen minutes into my sitting time, I find myself hopping into the dodge and driving until I pass Tanks Bar and Grill. Then I'm at Alicia's door. I wish someone had all the answeres. I wish someone would just tell my why I'm here because this is the last place I want to be at.
   I lift my fist as if to knock but pause and drop my arm back to my side. I remember I have a key so I twist it in the lock. I'm begging you if you're listening, why am I here?
   I find her bed and she's not in it. In fact, I don't even know where she is, all I know is I'm laying down now, caressing a teddy bead I guess she sleeps with.
   I wake up to find myself mumbling words I can't even make out, words I can't understand but I'm surely saying them. Slowly, I begin to process.
   "Everything." It takes awhile for me to get the next word out. "Has." Everything has what? "Changed." Oh.
   I go to the bathriim and fill the tube while stripping my clothes off. Scamming through my pockets,  I find a single ciggarette and light it. I lay in the tub, smoking the ciggarette, and stare out the open door into the hallway.
   Some time passes and I get out, grasping the sink, staring at myself in the mirror. A pair of arms wrap around my soaking wet body. I turn into them and I'm hugging her back.
   "How lovely of you to come." She says vaguely, like she's barely pressing on. Unintentionally, my hands find her stomach. It's empty now. I get on my knees, unzip her pants, pull them down and hold her shirt up a little so I can kiss her stomach. I get up.
   "He left?" I half-smile.
   "Mhm." She says tiredly. The bags under her eyes make her look like she's fourty-seven.
    "When's he going to visit? Where is he?"
    "She's in heaven."

Gone

Sometimes I want to fight.
Stand up.
Fight him.
To the death.
What do you do when someone does that to you?
Pisses you off so bad that you just want to jump across the table and start stabbing them?
But you know if you do that, they'll die, and eventually, it's going to hit you.
So instead, what do I do?
I sit here and chew on my bottom lip, sit on my hands and I glare at him, send my thoughts into his mind.
Why did you just say that?
Why aren't you saying anything?
Why do you do what you do to me?
Can't you understand I hate you!?
I shout at him.
All I get in reply is a stare back and then him sliding his thumb across his ipod, changing the song.
That's it.
I slam my fist against the table, get up, and walk away.
I run to the restroom and start tearing tissues from their rolls.
Mascara turns to thick, black, filmy, tears and I throw a trashcan at the mirrors.
Or atleast in my mind I do.
No but really, I just keep sitting here,
Say something!
I destroy myself.
In my mind, he pushes me to the ground and leaves.
But then, later on, he comes back and finds me laying my head on the table.
And he's crying with me.
He just does that.
Chokes my heart.
Catches my feelings on fire.
He's why my wrists are numb, he's why I want to die, he's my reason why.
Sometimes I think I'll run away.
All alone.
To Florida.
Fuck the past, I'll have no past.
Just a bright future.
Running all the time.
I'll call myself Katie and I won't have a date of birth.
Or a home place.
Or a favorite song.
Or a past.
It will all be stolen away from me somewhere along the way.
I'll just mentally forget.
Sometime's I wish you'd save me but you told me that that wasn't your job.
You hurt me and I start crying and you tell me to grow up.
And something about being a warrior.
You tell me to fight back as if I wont.
"Bye." you say, and leave.
You make me plead for you to stay because I'm so tired of you saying goodbye.
You know that without you, I'd be nothing.
That's why you do it.
Because I love you.
I get up now, kiss you on the head, and I leave.
Not because I am strong but because I am weak.

In this park

These walks work renewal into the soul, the mind, the heart.
Enlightment always happens here, in this park.
It's here I learn so much about the past, the future, even the present.
Sometimes I learn things I never wanted to know but they're kindred life lessons I'll take with me where ever I go.

Read this in creative writing (untitled)

Tired eyes, too fearful to sleep.
A swollen heart anchors down,
a heavy weight.
Fluttering eyelids droop, as stars release themselves
to the skies. Atleast they have somewhere to belong,
unlike I.
A lone soul in the world tonight, drowning under
five feet, six inches in nostalgia, a song so deep.
Bones rendered to the floor, too hard to fight
life anymore, half past 8:oo A.M.
I'd crawl my way half across the world if  I
could only recognize my own feet again.
I'd sleep anywhere, in a boat, if only I could get
away from home and I'd stay afloat.
I'd fight in life's sick games, me against the devil, bare-handed, one tied behind my back.
All I've known is to follow pavements
until I'm far enough away from my beleaguer
demonds and I will never find out what makes even them stick with me,
usually no one attracts.
Where are you on this restless night?
You'd told me you'd stay.
No matter how many hours I stay up,
no matter how many hours I sleep, I guess
I'll never be able to make things right.
So I'm going to go now, walk out by the bay.
Even what most call paradise
couldn't keep my frights away.
As I approach the sea, something haunts me.
Chilled to the bone, goosebumps make their homes
on my arms.
I nurse a headache, all of the world's pain on my shoulders. If only I was brave.
End things. Another unfinished thought.
I find myself laying in the sand.
I make a blanket of my worries, a pillow of the atmosphere,
count all of the stars, I wish I can. Most nights, I break into a cold sweat, I scream.
Make myself some hot chocolate milk but not
even that helps because the presence of my dreams
still haunts me.
So many voices echo in my head, calling my name.
I never recognize one of them and insomnia is the result of the everlasting bitterness
of my pain.
I've filled books with empty memories, I've burried myself beneath papers, or I'm quite
sure I have.
The dilemma is usually if I sleep, when I awake, I remember only a single thing.
There's someone out there who once belonger to me, even if I can't remember my own or their name.
So I sit and stare at the mirror and try to figure out who I am.
Everyday I restart over and I know something must have traumatized me to the point of memory loss,
All I know is I'm somewhere in the world, burried in a beach
and I'm some kind of, for whatever reason, worry-filled girl.